Confession
by youmakemehappywhenskiesaregrey
Summary: While in prison in Ryker's Matt goes to confession and says he wants to kill.


**Hey, first Daredevil fic. **

**Set during The Devil in Cell Block D by Ed Brubaker. Kinda set it like right before he goes out to the yard and confronts the Kingpin. Punisher is in this too. I'm not sure how good this is but I wanted to write it and here it is. I went over it a couple times and I'm not satisfied but I don't think it's too bad. **

The man in the confessional takes forever and Matt can hear his confession and it makes him angry. He tries not to listen but with his hearing it's almost impossible not to. The man stumbles over his words and makes a poor attempt at trying to sound genuine. He doesn't want forgiveness, doesn't even care about his crimes or his sins. Or his soul.

When the man leaves he takes his place inside the confessional. He kneels and folds his hands but his hands aren't folded in prayer, they're clenched tight in anger. "Bless me father for I have sinned." He says. "It's been over a month since my last confession."

"What are you confessing to, my son?" The priest asks. He's young and he tries to make his voice sound older but Matt can tell, he can tell by the timber and by his heart beat, it's young and strong. He can tell also that the priest doesn't like his job, he probably wishes he was anywhere else on earth. Poor man probably never even imagined being a prison chaplain when he first entered the seminary. Yet here he is. Here they both are.

Matt hesitates then he says: "Father, I think I'm going to kill someone."

The priest swallows hard. "W-who do you think you're going to kill?" He asks. Matt can tell that he stumbled over the question, fought between it and a myriad of others. His voice shook, he probably hasn't been a priest very long.

"I don't know." He says quietly.

"Why do you want to kill?" The priest isn't able to make his voice sound older anymore. He sounds young and inexperienced. Christ, he sounds like a kid!

"Revenge."

"I see. W-why are you confessing to what you haven't done yet?"

Matt thinks. He doesn't know. "Can I be forgiven me thinking about it?" He asks instead.

The priest does a better job of keeping his voice level this time. "It's up to God," He says. "not me. But remember, if it's revenge you're seeking did Christ not tell us to turn the other cheek?"

Matt knows it's true. He nods silently to himself. The priest is trying to dissuade him but it's useless. All of the teachings against murder in the Bible have already gone through his mind. He wants to kill and a scary part of him is beginning to not care about forgiveness. His fists shake as he clenches them together more tightly. "He did Father."

"Then will you deny Christ?"

"I don't know Father, but I don't want to."

"Then why do you want to kill? Why even entertain the mere _idea_ of killing? Isn't there enough killing in the world?"

"There is Father. But someone important has been taken from me."

"Can you see another way?"

"I don't _want_ to _want_ to kill, Father."

"I see. Do you think you would be honoring your friend's memory if you killed in his name?"

"No. I don't know. Either way I still want to. Can I be forgiven?"

"For thinking about killing? Maybe. For killing I don't know."

"I don't want to kill a _good man_, Father."

"God loves all of his children, even those that we find deplorable. Killing is still killing, no matter who you kill and God will see it as murder."

Matt is silent. This is what he wanted. Not scripture quoted, not verses rehashed, he wants to be told that he won't be forgiven. He wants to be told that there lines he can't come back from.

"You're right, father."

"Will you promise me you won't kill anyone?" The priest sounds panicked. He did well for a while but he's still young and couldn't be expected to hold out forever.

"I'll try not to but I can't promise that I won't do it. I don't want to lie before God. Is there any penance you would have me do for entertaining these thoughts?"

The priest swallows. "Pray. Think on Christ's suffering. Think on that and ask yourself if you're willing to throw that away. If you think your revenge is greater than His sacrifice."

His words have more effect then he probably thought they would and for once Matt fears that a growing part of him will not care. He fears that Ryker's is taking his faith. "May I pray in the chapel, father?" He asks.

Before the priest can answer the confessional door is opened and a hand reaches in and grabs him. In shock it takes him a moment to realize who it is. Frank Castle. The Punisher. He's pulled out of the confines of the box and into the light he cannot see.

"Times up." Frank says.

Matt's stunned. "What are you doing?" He asks.

The priest emerges and looks petrified. "We're going to pray, father." Frank says, dragging Matt to a pew and forcing him into it. "Kneel." He says, looking back at the guards near the door. The priest has retreated back into his confessional. Matt does as he's told and kneels like he's praying. "You're not killing anyone, Murdock."

Matt feels outrage. "You were you listening?" He demands. "How much did you hear?"

"From about the 'bless me father' bit." Frank sneers

"A confession is supposed to be between you and-"

"Don't try and tell me about confession. I was in seminary once, I know what a damn confessional is."

Matt is stunned. He didn't know that and it's a point out to how much Frank cares about keeping him in line that he's willing to divulge this bit of information. "You had no right to listen." He mutters lamely.

"I've got all the right I need." Frank glances up at the crucifix at the head of the church. He's never sure how much Matt can see, not entirely sure how Matt can _see_ but he hopes he knows it's there. Hopes it weighs on him like a conscience. Like the conscience he's losing. "Priest wasn't bad for a kid." He says. "That bit about Christ's sacrifice at the end was pretty good. Guess he knew how to get under your skin after all."

Matt sits stiffly. "I think I'm losing it." He says softly. Frank doesn't say anything and it's maddening. "I don't think I care if I'm forgiven or not." He realizes vaguely how hopeless he sounds.

"You still care or you wouldn't have come here."

Matt looks back at him and realizes that he's the only one kneeling. "Why aren't you. . .?" He asks, glancing back at the guards. He doesn't want them to come over.

"I don't pray like you do, Murdock. I don't go to confession and I don't ask for forgiveness. _If_ I believe in God, I don't believe he's going to forgive me and I don't want him to. I'm doing what I think is right. I don't need forgiveness. _His_ or anyone else." Matt's brows furrows, he's a little offended by Frank's words and Frank knows this. "Does that make you angry? Good. You're not going to stop caring about God and you're not going to kill anyone."

"You don't know that." He sounds petulant and he regrets his words.

"The hell I don't, Murdock. I'm not going to let you.

"You can't stop me."

"Do you wanna try me?"

Their attention is redirected to the priest who's finally exited the confessional. He's shaky and nervous and he avoids them. "You can talk to him if you want." Frank says. "But he's a kid and he can talk about life and death and God and Heaven all he wants but he's never killed anyone. He's probably's never even wanted to. Now you've lost a lot of people and if you wanna go ahead and lose yourself too then you go right on ahead and do it. But you can't get yourself back once you do." Frank stands. He's said his part and doesn't have anything else to say. "Cross yourself and lets go."

Matt does. He stands and tries to leave the pew when his feet are kicked out from under him. "Shoulda put of the kneeling rail up." Frank says, gripping his upper arm to pull him back to his feet. "Act like a damn blind man for once." He hisses in his ear.

The priest scurries away from them. He may have been listening but they'll never know.

"I came here today because I'm going to talk to Fisk." Matt says quietly, stopping outside the doors.

"Do you think you're going to kill him?"

"I don't know."

"Try not to."

Frank lets him go and heads back to his cell. Matt heads to the yard.

**I kinda toyed with the idea that while he was losing people and his sanity in prison he might have been struggling with other aspects of his character and he's been a pretty religious guy so I thought instead of making him outright stop believing in God I would play with the idea that he stops caring about his faith. Doesn't lose it but it stops mattering to him. Dunno If that's clear but I think Daredevil isn't a character that would lose his faith, i think he's one that if pushed enough could stop feeling that it mattered. This was kinda difficult to write. Oh well. I hope you get what i mean.**

**Thanks for reading. :)**


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